Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
