We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
