It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
