I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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