every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
