my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
