then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
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