just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
