he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
