You really coming over, don't trick.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
