mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
