Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
