Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
