he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
