I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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