I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
