I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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