doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
