dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
