I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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