I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
