Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
