just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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