kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You have to summon your inner elephant
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
