party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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