dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
