when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
