my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
