I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
