If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
