I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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