I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
