So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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