I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
