I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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