dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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