She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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