Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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