I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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