every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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