Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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