I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
