hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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