I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
