I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
