I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
