My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
