Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We had to coat check the pizza.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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