Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
