Where is the hickey?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
