so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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