The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
