If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
