They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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