You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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