Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
