I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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