Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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