why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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